I’ve decided to finally get round to starting my blog, and my first post shall revolve around a recent event in my life.
My granddads death. As of writing this I don’t know his cause of death however I was told by my parents that he did not suffer, which was greatly relieving for me. He died two days ago, my parents had went to hospital and told us the news when they returned. I had cried a bit, but nowhere as much as my family around me. In fact, I’d decided to offer to make a cup of tea for my parents instead. I have had a few waves of sadness hit me, but I haven’t been reduced to uncontrollable sobs really. I did care about my granddad and loved him lots, but really my sadness wasn’t for him. It didn’t make sense to be sad for him. He was just gone, or if heaven really does exist, he went there. I felt more sad that I wouldn’t see him again, and especially for me grandma, especially so close to Christmas. Only days before she had bought a flan sponge so that she could make what I presumed would be a slightly lighter Christmas dessert for them. On the positive side however, my Granddad had managed to muster up the strength to come round to my family’s house, which he hadn’t been able to do for a long time, which did make him very happy.
Back to the initial news being broken however. After the first sobs were over, and we went back to do our own things, I went up to my room and back to my computer. I went to research about grief. I just searched generally at first, not fully sure what my goal was. I knew a lot of things about the grieving didn’t seem to (yet?) apply to me, albeit perhaps applied more to those around me. I decided to narrow down my search. First I went for “Autism and Loss”, then “Autism and Grieving”. I then narrowed it down further to just “Asperger’s and Grieving”. There are some articles out there, but they are quite sparse, numerous of them intended for neurotypical people who knows someone with ASD. Some for parents, some for friends. I did find however a few articles which seems to apply a lot more than the rest. Some bits haven’t (yet?) applied to my, but a lot of bits have to some extent. I’ve felt a bit more proactive, and felt as if I need to do stuff a bit more. I’ve also felt more sorrow for those who are suffering as a result of the death, and had a bit of trouble sleeping. Last night when I had failed to feel even tired till after midnight, I had quite dramatic hot and cold spells. Almost instantly after pulling the quilt over, I felt hot, incredibly hot. I’d then pull it off and feel a bit chilly. Eventually through a combination of removing and replacing the quilt, along with a good long spell of satirical TV shows, I had successfully gotten to sleep.
I’d also noticed one other symptom start to kick in just this morning. Its one which I’d read on a few articles. Regression. I have quite an interesting way of communicating. I had noticed it a while back. Within myself I have two sort of “figures” (and I although it might sound like I’m saying I’m schizophrenic I’m not, but the English language is quite limited when it comes to topics like this). The first figure, is essentially the pure, raw, autistic me. I can’t recall much of my childhood before my final years of primary school (which might not sound unusual, until you realise I’m only 16 at the moment). The second I believe came about from trying to fit in (perhaps from some behavioural therapy, as I know I was diagnosed fairly early on, and know I had some therapy although I didn’t know that it was therapy, or about my autism at that point). This second “figure” allows me to self-analyse quite a bit, and can allow me in some scenarios to communicate better than I would otherwise. It was the second part to me that has noticed the start to regression. I was simply doing the dishwasher, starting with the cups and putting them on the shelf for the cups, but not all of them would fit on. I put the final cup on the glasses shelf, like I normally would, but I just felt I couldn’t leave it like that. My head was going “but the glasses shelf is for glasses, not cups!” I ended up taking all of the cups out (even the ones that were in there before I’d started emptying the dishwasher) and organised them to fit. I also ended up reorganising several of the pots and pans to fit more neatly.
I guess I will just have to see how all of this pans out for me, and how long it will last.