To any of the few people reading my blog, I do apologise I missed Fridays post, very little actually happened, and I just didn’t get round to writing it.
Into the future though, tomorrow I will be back at Sixth Form, the busy noisy school corridors, and music choices that could make you cringe (in both meaning and quality) blasted at full volume in the common room. I don’t know how I will handle going back exactly. I haven’t told anyone at school about my recent loss, not even a slight hint, but some bit deep down in me thinks that perhaps I should tell someone. The problem however is who? There aren’t people that I really trust. I mean, sure I can trust some people, but not to the extent I can offload any of my real problems on them. I only managed to talk to my parents properly about a real problem for about the first time in my life. I’m just not built to talk to people, my past proves that. I’ve gone through intense suicidal thoughts day after day for extensive periods of time and not told anyone.
I do expect I will have to tell at least some of my teachers though. I haven’t got as much work as I’d liked to have got done, especially on the EPQ, I’m sort of torn between telling them and not though, as supposedly this would be the reason I didn’t get the work done, but it could just be I’ve been a bit lazy, unrelated to my grief. Additionally, how do I actually tell them? There seems to be no appropriate conversation structure which can be had with a teacher over the subject, and very few appropriate structures to talk about it to anyone. If I had my way I’d probably just say it in a simple one line sentence, they’d respond “Oh, Okay” and that’d be that. Instead they’d undoubtedly go “I feel so sorry for you” or “Why didn’t you tell anyone sooner?” or “How do you feel?”. God, that last one, “How do you feel?”, its a phrase with the most kind intentions, but in reality seems anything but. Plus, more on the point, how do I actually feel? Well, these clothes are quite comfy, but they’re not asking about that, are they? Err…I don’t feel good? No they’re looking for an emotion, something more specific than “not good”. Its obvious I wouldn’t feel good…but how do I actually feel? Well, I don’t know. I couldn’t say that to them though, could I? I’d seem like the biggest fool around, how could someone not know what they were feeling? The result of that question would probably be that I’d feel 20 times worse, I’d have been thrown into the most uncomfortable social situation, without any honest, or dishonest response that fits. Worst of all, I’d have thrown myself in there. I couldn’t blame them for asking that. Neurotypical people for some reason need questions like that, but that is torturous for me. Really, I need a dummy’s guide to these situations.
Anyway, wish me look on my first day back to sixth form, hopefully only a couple of things will go terribly wrong.