2 Weeks left till the first of the (AS Level) exams. It’s so stressful. Genuinely, at one point in the Easter holiday I picked up a maths past paper thinking “oh yeah, I’ll do this, that’ll be good for some revision”. I opened it, saw letters on the first page and just threw it back at the chair which it was previously resting on.
If I weren’t an aspie I’d be 100% certain I’d fail every every exam, as it stands, I’m just 75% certain I’ll fail them.
After these exams are over, my next task is plucking up the courage to get help. I’m 10 years late in confiding my existential crises (yes, plural) in someone. It’s an unusual predicament I’m stuck in, I know I need to get someone to help me, and I want to get help, but I don’t want anyone to help me. A while back I’d seen the title to an old game (which I do quite want to get, it seems rather interesting), it was called “I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream” and as soon as a read the title, I thought, “yeah, that sounds like me”. Interestingly the game would seem to be nothing like I’d expected at first from the title, but nonetheless the title seems applicable to my situation. I want to shout out from every rooftop that I have Asperger’s and I want to get help from someone, and I need to build a bit of a support network for myself, but at times it feels like I just have no mouth. I can talk, sure enough, but just not about some things. Even just writing this here can give me some funny feels at points (I have a few moments just then when I felt like I was just falling).
A good example of what I mean, I’ve been planning to upgrade my PC for a while, but I’d sort of kept it secret (I have a bit of a feeling my parents are fully supportive of me pc gaming), anyway my dad came into my room at one point and saw the stuff up on the screen, hence found out, and we ended up a bit later chatting about it, but even just doing that my mouth got so incredibly dry, I had to get a large glass of water to continue and even then it was a bit of a struggle. It’s almost like something you might see in a comedy movie, at any point where I think I’ve built up the courage to talk about it (which is in itself pretty rare), I’ll walk towards the room where a person I intend to talk to is in, then suddenly divert to the kitchen to get a glass of water or such. My body just physically stops me… I’m pretty sure I know why too, I’m certain it’s the same reason I did commit suicide (nor tell anyone about my suicidal thoughts), I just don’t like hurting people. At points I’d love to just end it but then everyone else around me would suffer. The same goes for telling them, I feel as if they’d be distraught that their son or friend or sibling was suicidal all this time and they didn’t spot it, they didn’t suddenly swoop in and help, and they’d feel worse that I couldn’t tell them all about it.
Oh why does life have to be like this. 😦